I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
