please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
