So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
