those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
