is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
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she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
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i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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