do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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