I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
