The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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