The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
