Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
