all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
