Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom