I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.