There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
one two three fourrrrnication!
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."