so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
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How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
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you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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