I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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