shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Randomize
