Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize