Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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