he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
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