mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
