You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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