your room smells of hookers.
And success
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
