Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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