if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
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Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
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Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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