respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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