Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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