I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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