So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
