I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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