Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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