Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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