You can't special order awesome
I seem to have left my pride at pride
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
His hands were made for my vagina.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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