paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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