Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
