So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
