How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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