Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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