We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Dignity is for republicans.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
