You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
