I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You pole danced in your parka.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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