Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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