I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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