my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm bleeding and have questions
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
