I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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