he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
