Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.