Got a toothbrush?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
21 Bartenders That Are Definitely Winning At Their Jobs
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry