gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
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I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
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That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie