a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
