Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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