look no pants
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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