I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
