Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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