Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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