Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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