why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
two words...techno handjob
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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