Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
